Working with negative self-talk

The title could be: Beating myself down and coming back up again.

(Or, learning by being aware of my shitty thoughts and feelings... and playfully and wisely course-correcting.)

 

It happens to me sometimes. How about you?

 

My latest adventure... (!!!)

 

I don't know how many of you know I'm taking IMPROV classes. Improv is acting without a script. You get up on stage and rely on your co-actor(s) for support. So many lessons to be learned. Putting the other person first, listening, letting go, presence, fun with no judgement... and the best one: there are no mistakes in Improv. Even if you feel like a loser, you get a standing ovation. The protocol says so! What an experience!

 

I started because I wanted to be more spontaneous and help conquer my fear of public speaking. In the process, I realised that IMPROV was a lot more than that. I discovered so much about myself. I can see how I criticise myself. How I compare myself to my classmates. I'm the oldest by far. Heck, I could be the mother of most of them! I'm not the most spontaneous person or a natural jokester.

 

Thoughts like

"I'm not good at this",

"I never know what to say",

"Everybody else is better than me",

"Look how funny the others are", and

"I feel so inadequate"

were frequently in my mind. It was an eye-opener because I repeat these patterns and thoughts in my daily life.

 

I decided that I did not have to be good at it. I'm not supposed to be good at everything. What is important is that I'm having so much fun with the rest of the gang, and I'm learning things about myself. Becoming better. Being supportive. A good listener. Getting experience. Playing.

 

And so I did... until yesterday when the negative thinking came back with a vengeance. It was the last class of level 3! This means that we're now ready for our first live performance. I graduated, but I did not feel happy.

 

I sensed in class that the others were reluctant to partner with me "because I'm not good(!)". They also organised rehearsals on Saturdays, which I can't do. It was my choice, but I still felt left out (which makes no sense). I excluded myself, not them me (but my mind played tricks on me)!

 

On top of that, I cannot take part in the live performance in December because I'm not jabbed. "Maybe, I'll catch COVID by then". "Well", I thought, "they won't miss me anyway"! I felt rejected.

To numb my misery, I went home with some doughnuts, ordered some food, drank some wine, and watched TV.

 

When I woke up in the morning, and while sitting at the toilet -  where inspiration comes - I realised what nonsense all this was.

 

Wishing myself to get sick??? Am I crazy?

 

So, what if I don't participate? Let life flow. Whatever will be will be. So what if I'm not their first choice as a partner? (More like the last) Why is that rejection? It's only if I look at it that way.

And one thing to consider: "What if all this is a story I made up in my mind, and none of it is true?"

 

It's incredible how old negative thoughts creep up to mess you up AGAIN.

 

I needed to remind myself what I had already decided:

It's ok not to be perfect at something.

"Stop taking myself so seriously"!

"Remember, playfulness is my motto"!

I don't have to be compatible with everyone, and that's ok too. As I don't like everybody, not everybody likes me. Also ok!! I accept myself and others as they are.

 

I'm having fun, ain't I? This is the most important thing.

 

Lesson learned! I'm back!

 

I Rock... only not in IMPROV (or so I think)!

 

P.S. I great way to retrain your brain and stop negative self-talk is using affirmations.

For every negative or liming thought you have, stopping you from moving forward, create the opposite positive affirmation. Repeat it daily and imagine how it would feel. It may seem that you're lying to yourself, but that's exactly how it should be. You're creating new neurological pathways. And you'll slowly start feeling more at home with the affirmation until one day you'll realise you don't need it anymore! Learn how to write affirmations that work here.

 

FYI... I personally used affirmations to conquer my fear of public speaking so I know they work!